Heartbroken

[eicram]

I lost my 14 yr old dog Omar yesterday.  I can't seem to deal with the pain.  I'm feeling very to blame, even though everyone tells me I should not.  He's been sick with liver cancer and heart disease for a few years now, but you would really have never known.  Back in February is when we knew for sure he had liver cancer.  He's never been on treatment because of his heart, but was seen several times a year for check ups.  Within the last month he's been going more down hill.  Lost his hearing, but we dealt with it.  He lost about 20lbs in the last year...looked emaciated, but was spoiled with food and treats.  About 2 weeks ago he started vomiting...I got worried it was a 'sign'.  It stopped and I put him on a bland diet.  Then he started with loose stools and I couldn't get him to eat.  I talked to his vet who said it was probably barium that was now getting in his blood stream and making him not want to eat.  He put him on an antibiotic and some medicine for his liver.  I was to feed him anything he would eat.  I tried everything I could.  He wasn't interested in the things he once was.  I could get him to eat boiled chicken...and whatever I was eating, but if it went in his bowl, he was not interested.  I was handfeeding him.  The meds seem to work on his loose stools...so I was okay.  3 days ago at about midnight he started making a hard breathing sound...followed by a gag.  I was up with him worried until 3:30AM.  I called the vet the next morning, bu this usual was not there.  The one I talked to said it sounded like the cancer had spread to his lungs...and it was okay to let him go.  I went to work very sad...trying to decide what I was to do.  I didn't want him to 'suffer', because he had not seemed to so far.  I called the vet and made an appt to euthanize that night.  But all day long I could not bare the thought.  I needed answers first.  So instead, he got an exam at 6 that night, and it was confirmed that his liver was so large it was pushing his stomach up..making him not comfortable to eat much...his heart was enlarged causing to put pressure on his trachia...making him breath hard...and his lungs now showed signs of wear and cancers.  I was devistated.  You really wouldn't have known by looking at him.  He wagged his little tail at every person that came by...sniffing at the dog treats because he knew where they were...but he was sick.  What should I do?  The vet gave him a diatretic to I could take him home that night for a night of comfort...for both Omar and I, and I was to bring him back the next morning.  I took him back...still not knowing what to do.  The vet left it up to me.  I couldn't bare to go through the last 2 weeks wondering again...my kids were afraid to be home alone with him just in case he were to pass when they were home...I just started a new job and were they going to be sympathetic with me when I needed to run for my dog?  The vet assured me either way was 'ok'.  I didn't want to hear that.  I decided to let him go yesterday morning so that he wouldn't get in pain...or suffer.  But now I'm suffering with the guilt that I may have taken him before his time.  How do you deal with that?  I can't stop crying.  I was with him when it was happening.  I got to hold his face in my hands and stroke his head.  I couldn't bare to look at him then, until I knew he had laid himself down and the vet whispered he's gone.  I stayed with him for 30 min and looked in his eyes as he just lay there...looking like he's looking right back at me.  The pain is unbearable.  The guilt is unbearable.  I feel awful, and now I'm second guessing my choice.  Too late.  I hate this.

[scoobysmom]

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I read your email.  It is obvious how much you loved your Omar.  He felt that love as he took his last breath safely in your arms.  Don't you wish it could be that way for everyone during their last moments?  When he stopped eating, he was letting you know it was his time.  You did the most humane and selfless thing you can do in life.  It broke your heart to watch him go, but you didn't want him to suffer anymore.  What a lucky dog to have experienced such love.   I lost my sweet Scooby just two days ago and am trying to come to terms with it as well.  He was 15years old.  I too had to make that decision.  I don't regret it, I just can't belive that my best friend is gone.  I held him too as he took his last breaths.  I showered him with kisses and talked to him about dog heaven.  I thanked him for his unconditional love and apologized for the last couple of years of craziness in our house.  (I have a just turned 3 year old and a 20 month old.  I am struggling with the fact that in his last years my attention was unfairly divided with the kids.  My husband tells me that it was what he wanted as at the age of 12 they are ready to just watch us with love rather than be in the middle of the craziness all the time!)  i really do feel your pain.  If you don't have the book Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant I strongly suggest getting it.  It is a children't book but sweetly tells us where our Scooby and Omar are surely sitting right now.  Omar obvioulsy  had a wonderful parent and life.  Let the guilt go and try to celebrate him somehow.  I wrote a long tribute to Scooby and sent it to my friends and family.  With people we have funerals to help with the closure.  I didnt do that but instead wrote a tribue.  I will post it on here too.  It helps.  I cried writing it, but have received many touching notes from people who could relate and knew and loved him too.  my heart goes out to you and your family. 

[MandysMom]

I just found this website, as I had to put my 14 1/2 year old German Shepherd/Collie to sleep last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, and have been looking for grief support.  Your post caught my attention because of the age of your loved one and how you described your guilt feelings.  You may not even see this post now because it's been some time since you wrote this, but please let me know if you do.  My Mandy developed a fatty tumor on one of her legs within the last year, and I felt terrible because I didn't notice it until it was the size of a tennis ball.  I took her in to the vet and we discussed whether or not I should have her operated on to remove it.  I didn't want to because I always heard that an older dog cannot survive the anesthesia.  He said it was just a fatty tumor, not cancerous, and he said it was a hard decision to make whether or not to operate, it could go either way, so I chose not to operate.  She started going downhill the last year and I knew her time was probably coming, but you're still never prepared when it does actually come.  She was having problems with arthritis, and the last couple of months was taking pain pills and anti-inflammatory pills.  I knew it was her time when she refused to eat.  For a couple of days she would eat people food, but did not want dog food, and finally she could not eat anything and she gave me the "look" that let me know she was done.  She was breathing heavy too, like you described.  I cried and cried knowing it was the last day I would be with her.  I felt guilty too because I started realizing that since my aging mother moved in with me 2 years ago and I had to take care of her, I was so busy I didn't do much with Mandy, other than take her for her walks or take her outside to go to the bathroom.  She lost a lot of weight the last year too, like 20 pounds.  She was never diagnosed with cancer, but I'm wondering if she had it.  Anyway, we had a very bad experience when we took her to the vet to have her put to sleep.  My daughters and I were with her in the room, and I was holding her head.  The vet gave her a shot to tranquilize her and then came back later to give her the IV to put her to sleep, but he could not find her vein.  He said her blood pressure was so low that he could not get a vein, so he would have to take her in the other room to "tip her."  He left her laying on the table so he could go get an assistant, and the blood was dripping out of her arm where he was trying to get the needle in.  I can't get that sight out of my head.  What an awful thing to remember.  He came back with his assistant and said that Mandy was "pretty out of it anyway" and off they took her to another room, so I was not with her when she went to sleep.  He told us when it was done that we could go see her.  I think this is what bothered me the most - the way she had to leave this world - I just hope she didn't know what was going on.  I miss her more than I could ever imagine - the pain is the same as if I lost a child.  I pray every day that she is happy and pain-free and carefree in Heaven.